Saturday, January 14, 2012

Oy Vey, What a Day!!!

If I believed in Karma, I would be pretty sure that Friday was my payback for junior high.  It was one of those days that started strange and snowballed into something so ridiculous that it was almost funny.  I suspect that y'all might find it all the way funny since you didn't live it; thus, I shall share the details now--you're welcome;)

It snowed on Thursday night so Fayette County schools ran on a one hour delay. I know what you're thinking, "Great, extra hour of sleep!"  Normally, that would be the case BUT our school district has implemented this new system where they call every parent in the county when school is cancelled.  So, at 5:00 am, (I usually don't get up until 6:00,) they called both mine and my husband's phones.  AWESOME!!!  Guess who didn't quite get back to sleep until about 15 minutes before she needed to get up?

So, I got up and got all 4 kids ready because I had to take Isaac to Shriner's after dropping off the Bigs.  We were all up, dressed, lovely and ready to go in plenty of time.  I had started the car, it was warm and I could see out both the front and back windshields; I was Batmama!  Then, we tried to get in the van, the doors were frozen--I'm talking a-day-on-the-tundra frozen.  I stuck Isaac in the driver's seat--since I didn't have anywhere else for him to sit-and hauled all five foot nine inches of me into the back of the van to proceed to try and kick and push the side doors open while sitting my "big back porch" in Isaac and Mylie's carseats.  Somewhere during this Cirque de Stupid performance, Mylie slipped on the ice and proceeded to melt down.  Then, Isaac, who is a firm believer that no man (or sister) should cry alone, joined her screaming twice as loud as she was.  Meanwhile, Batmama is quickly becoming the Joker trying not to curse or yell or get permanently stuck in a carseat.  Then, I had a revelation, I had deicer!

I folded myself up and out of the backseat and ran to retrieve the deicer.  Feeling so very equipped and like a grumpy Dark Knight version of Batmama now, I squeezed, and squeezed, and squeezed the trigger.  The sprayer was broken, (Catwoman,) when I tried to open it, it wouldn't budge (you know, kinda' like my van doors.)  Luckily, just as I was about to sit down with Mylie and Isaac and cry, a neighbor that I do not know across the street pulled into his driveway.  I told the kids to freeze which wasn't hard because there was a wind chill of about 5 degrees, and dashed across the street to ask him to open the deicer.  I was slightly gratified that he had to smash it with a wrench before it opened.  I thanked him, (now I was a wimpy Wonder Twin hero but at least not the dumb one who could only be stuff made of water.) I poured deicer on the doors, got one open, loaded the minions and deposited them at school and made it to Shriner's on time.

At Shriner's, we wind our way back to the Brace Shop (I think that hospital may have been designed by Ichyrus' father, what was his name?) and the charming prosthetics guy asks if we had an appointment-yes, if we signed in-they told me not to, and what I needed.  I explained that Isaac was getting skin breakdown because he's walking more.  He needed his high brace stretched because his leg has grown and he needed toe shelves put in to hold his toes in a neutral position as his contractures cause them to turn under and they are getting bruises.  He looked at me like I was clearly insane and asked to examine him.  I showed him the pressure spots and he asked if I knew that he had contractures?!!!  Um, yeah, "Yes, I know he has contractures, he has arthrogryposis <medical condition that causes-wait for it-contractures> and he can't move his toes into neutral position so he needs toe shelves in his braces please."  He quizzed me a little more about when we'd seen his doctors because he had contractures and his toes don't go to neutral position (Seriously, Jackwagon, that's what I said, TWICE!)  Finally, he said he would have to go in the back and look around a little and see what he could do.  20 minutes later, he returned; smiling, obviously victorious in his genius.  He explained very carefully how he had stretched the brace and put in these special pads called toe shelves.  If you are keeping score here, that's exactly what I asked him to do before we even left the lobby.

Finally finished, we headed out of the labyrinth that is Shriner's and, to pacify my daughter who is completely bored, I promise that after dropping off paperwork for Isaac's preschool enrollment I would buy her hash browns.  We drive up the road to Fayette Co. Central Office and I pulled the kids out of the van, Mylie falls again on the slick snow; she's wet and pissed now.  We move as quickly as a mother can drag a sliding, low tone 5 year old while carrying an only semi-ambulatory almost 4 year old to the entry door.  I ring the bell because they keep the place locked up like a federal prison and wait, and wait, and wait.  After 3 minutes or so in frigid weather with two children who are well over this excursion, they finally buzz us in and we drop off the papers, go back to the car and speed down the road, promises of hash browns pending.

At this time, my Wonder Twin hero status has been downgraded passed stupid water twin to something more inefficient and bumbling--maybe Wiley Coyote.  Just before turning into the spot where a hash brown wielding McDonald's existed my entire life, I remember that they closed it!!!  I merge left, annoyed but undaunted because Arby's was on my way to my next stop.  However, as I moved up Main Street, an ambulance came up behind me.  I pulled my van up just slightly in the intersection facing the wrong direction on a one way street to let the ambulance pass.  Then, because today was my day of all days, all of the traffic behind me proceeded to rush past refusing to let me back into traffic.  This was made all the more lovely by the fact that some gale force wind from hell was blowing every bit of drifted snow from every statue and fountain at the library next to the intersection onto my rear windshield.  That's right, folks, Wiley Coyote downgraded to Mr. Magoo.

I managed to finish the rest of my errands with whining, tired, frosty children and head home.  I was supposed to talk to my friend Brandy about the website we're creating but she had already headed down for a nap.  I straightened my house minimally and decided to do the same.  At some point during that nap, my phone died completely.  My phone has the alarm that tells me to get ready and go get the Bigs at school.  I, thank heavens, woke just minutes before I needed to leave.  I slipped Mylie's shoes on and begged her to get awake and get her coat, then, I smelled it.  Before even opening his door, I knew that my dear son had dropped a deadly bomb.  A trash bag, 1/2 a box of wipes and a change of clothes later we ran out the door--yes, Mylie fell, again--and dashed off to school.

All four minions in tow, we came home.  The kids had a snack and commenced getting ready to go play in the snow.  I told the Bigs to put on two shirts, two pairs of pants and two pairs of socks.  I pulled out an easy to put on second layer for Mylie to put on and went to dig out boots, scarves, hats, gloves, etc.  In the mean time, Conner came out 5--yes, 5 times--in shorts over his pants.  I sent him back 5--yes, 5 times-- saying, "Pants baby, you need long pants to keep you warm in the snow."  Also during this time, Isaac dropped another bomb, (Isaac does not have all of his intestines so he has some funky food absorption and evacuation issues.  Funky means FUNKy.)  As I was cleaning him, Mylie came in the living room naked.  She has removed the bottom layer rather than just putting the top layer over her first.  I talk her through each step of putting on multiple layers and for each step she says, "You're kidding, right?"  I have to admit, that was the turn around, by the time she said it again about her 4th sock, I was in hysterics.  When they all headed out the door, leaving Isaac and me to sing Maroon 5 and start dinner, I knew we would survive.

In fact, as I wrote this, I noticed some things that were hidden to me in the midst of my frustration.  Yes, doors were frozen but we were early enough that the kids weren't late.  My neighbor did pull up just in time to open my deicer.  They were able to fix Isaac's braces.  I got the paperwork handed in, finally!  No one came up the one way street on which I was stranded in the wrong direction.  My kids finished the crazy day laughing and red cheeked in our first snow of the season.  As usual, it's not until after the trial that I found the blessings.  Still, I found them.  It was a heck of a day, but we made it!!!