Saturday, October 22, 2011

Pretty Sure Someone Shoulda' Thought of That!

     I am not a litigious person.  I think if you put a cup of coffee in your lap in the car, you should anticipate what will happen if it spills.  I'm not sure what butt head inspired the warning on hair dryers that say not to use them in the shower?!!  I mean, I have 4 minions, I can seriously multitask but even I would not try to wet and dry my hair simultaneously.  I even shook with rage when they temporarily recalled Bumbo Seats after they were made available to the public at large, (we'd used them for years in special ed,) until they could be labeled with a warning about not putting them up on high furniture and walking away.  Seriously folks, babies are slippery little suckers, so just don't prop them up on anything high and walk away-ever!
    On the other hand, I think consumers should be able to have a reasonable degree of confidence that the most basic safety concerns in an item were considered before they rushed them to market.  For instance, I think we should be safe to assume that baby formula is not made with poison--thank you China.  I think if a motor manufacturer, (which employs over half of the people I know and love,) becomes aware that their brake system isn't working, they need to give a little heads up to their customers.  If your miracle cream that causes increased eyelash growth also causes permanent unibrow and explosive diarrhea, by all means put it right in your commercial, (mostly so I can mock it and laugh hysterically.)
      Today's "somebody really shoulda' thought of that" inspiration comes from Target, (and I do love me some Target,) which recently recalled a frog costume they sold.  The costume has a mask that, apparently, lights up and has sound effects--which is totally cool!  Unfortunately, it also suffocates children.  Yep, somebody hooked up electronics, they presumably checked to be sure they wouldn't shock anyone and the lights wouldn't get too hot.  Somebody designed the packaging and somebody else decided the price but, oops, nobody considered if they had actually made it possible for the child wearing it to breathe.  Really people?  Is it just me or is this just a little bit ridiculous?
     Now, I remember the flammable, plastic costumes that were sold when I was little.  I am not sure how any of us survived childhood without swallowing our Little People who were handily bite-sized at the time.  I am sure that more than one of my 70's era loved ones ate, nosed or eared a Lite Brite piece because they didn't have labels that said not to.  I personally got more than one brain freeze from my cruelly unlabeled Snoopy Sno Cone Machine and burnt the living #$%^$ out of my fingers on Shrinky Dinks.  So, I don't want to take this too far, however, here are 10 items that I think should have to carry warnings or be recalled:

  1. Bikini Wax:  Not just keep away from children, DO NOT USE IN SAME HOUSE AS SMALL CHILDREN: Unless you want them to learn some new words that are less attractive than unwaxed bikini lines
  2. Lego:  Warning:  Your kid cannot build what is on this box without your help and then the little punks are gonna scatter these little crapdingies all over your house
  3. GI Joe toys: Yes, they're back and their little missile thingies are gonna make you cry when you step on them, just like in the good ole' days
  4. Skittles:  With all of the sugar and artificial coloring in this candy, you could just give your kids amphetamines and get the same effect.
  5. The Toilet:  This item will double as a magician's act for your toddler-it makes things disappear, for a while
  6. Washable Crayons:  Will make your kids look like zombies when they hold them in their mouths AND will dissolve in your washing machine, or when juice gets spilled on them, or for fun!
  7. Kidz Bop CD's:  Warning:  Don't buy these without headphones and it is entirely likely the kids will sing these questionable lyrics at church
  8. Barney/Wiggles/Dora/Yo Gabba Gabba:  Warning: May make adults suicidal
  9. Cheerios:  Warning:  Once wet and dried again, these are a permanent part of your furniture/flooring
  10. Any Musical or Talking Toy: Warning:  If you buy this for the children of anyone you love, they will hate you.
So please reply, FB or Tweet, what do you think should come with a new warning label or be recalled?


  1. Haha, too funny! At the moment I can't think of anything, but that's just because I'm tired. I'll come back if something comes up.

  2. Jessica, can't wait to see if you thought of anything. My friend, Brandy, suggested children should come with warning labels about lack of sleep, crappy attitudes and leaky orifices. I think she has a fair point;)

  3. When my kids were little, nostalgic all-wood toys were popular. For example, my boy received as a gift a balancing scale thingy -- rather like a small see-saw with pegs at each end of the wooden board, and stacking wooden rings that, if placed properly on the pegs, would make the see-saw board balance evenly.

    RIGHT. Like a two year old boy is going to sit quietly and place wooden rings on pegs on a moving see-saw?!?

    That stupid toy definitely needed a warning: "Duck quickly when rings are thrown."

    They hurt like hell when they hit you in the nose.

  4. Ha ha ha, LegalMist, I bet. Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting. Sorry it has taken so long to respond. I've been working on a couple of big projects and sort of dropped the ball here. Hope you'll come back again some time.